City bans Halloween after a women has strange visions

Halloween rock

South Bend, Indiana- Lauren Smith,54, was watering her plants one Wednesday when she noticed a strange rock. "I was tending to my plants just like any other day when a strange rock caught my attention," said Lauren. "When I picked up the rock I was disturbed by images of ghastly figures".
Lauren claims the when she picked up the rock she became unconscious and it showed her images of the past and left a strange scar on her palm. "When I woke up my son was standing over me." "I picked him up and carried him inside."
"Mama said that the monsters were going to come and get me," says Lauren's son, Jimmy. "She said that I couldn't go out for Halloween and if I complained she would let the monsters get me."
Lauren believed that her vision was a message from god that she should get Halloween banned. So, she rushed down to city hall and demanded the mayor ban Halloween that weekend.
"I think she's a loony and histrionic, but she bakes some damn good cookies for city-hall meetings, so I listened." Soon enough, Lauren had convinced the mayor to ban Halloween, and he signed a law banning Halloween from the city.
Friends and family of Lauren say she usually spends her time going to Republican rallies and tending to plants. Although they were unable to comment more, a neighbor of Lauren was able to say this. "Ya, she pretty much spends all day in her garden, and when she does come out she talks to herself...a lot."
The rock is now being held under careful examination in case it decides to talk to someone else.

Worried Mom Cries Witch

It's that time of the year again. Kids dressing up and going door to door for free candy. Most parents are tolerable with letting their kids go out on Halloween night, but Marla Smooch of Cedar City, Utah is angered by the candy her neighbor gave out last year.
"Well, last year my child was eating his candy when he started developing left-winged views", says Marla. "I couldn't believe the crap he was saying; free health care for everyone, I mean, people should really get off their butts and work!" "I myself work for five hours a day and then come back to take care of my children." (We had to shorten the interview at this point). "Well, anyway, I went to look at his candy and I found jelly beans." "I mean, who gives out jelly beans for Halloween, but anyway, it's obvious to me that these jelly beans were poisoned." That's when she called her neighbor a "witch". "I think it's quite clear that the lady giving out jelly beans is a witch trying to get our children to support Obama."
When we approached her neighbor we were only given the following statement, "Get the **** off my property! I have just as much rights to give out jelly beans as the guy across the street has rights to give out a rock."
Marla's child, who is to remain anonymous, is currently going through extensive treatment to get back the right-winged views he once had.

"The Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear" review

If you are a fan of rallies (which i'm sure you are), then you probably caught "The Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear" earlier today on Comedy Central. The rally itself seemed to have been a huge achievement for Stewart and Colbert. The rally's two themes, fear and sanity, offered the perfect mix between the media's over-exaggeration of "epidemics" and  keeping your head held high. Some of the celebrities that made appearances were Father Guido Sarducci, Ozzy Osbourne, John Legend, The Roots, and the MythBusters crew. The rally really was quite good and if you missed it, you should consider trying to find a recording of it on the internet.